I Should Write A Book

If you are a reader of books, chances are at some point you’ve said to yourself, “I should write a book.” It may have been after a particularly good book that inspired you. Or, more likely, after some piece of crap, at which point you put it down and thought, I can do better than that. Well then we have something in common, because I’m one of those people who said to themselves, I should write a book. And now I have. And this site will be the cathouse for my promotional whoring of said book, during which time I’ll be writing about the process that got me here, because, well, let’s face it, that’s all I’ve got. So if you are here looking for healthy recipes or DIY projects or life hacks, keep reading. Not because you’ll find any of those things, but because I seriously can’t afford to lose you as a reader. (Baby, please don’t go.) Because the fact is, at this very moment, on this site, I’m basically writing to myself. Which is pretty much what you do when you write (or at least, what I do when I write). I write about ideas that formulate in my head, conversations that I think should take place or characters that speak to me. Which makes me sound like I’m clinically insane. And that might not be so far off.

I did not know I wanted to be writer when I grew up. In fact, I did not entertain the idea of writing anything except business documents, birthday cards and the occasional email until somewhere around five years ago when I turned forty. Around that time, both my kids were in school full time and as stay at home mom, I found myself with a little bit of free time on my hands. Not knowing what to do with it, I bothered everyone I knew. I wrote random emails to various friends that were all basically creative nonfiction essays. (At the time I did not even know what creative nonfiction was, so kudos to me for that unknowing leap into the literary world.) I wrote a whole email series based on my time as a substitute preschool teacher and how questionable it was that a jaded, cynical person such as myself should be put in charge of other people’s small children. Sample:

Me, to a kid, who overlooked one of the blocks he was suppose to put away: “Adam, can you find the block that’s gone rogue?” vs. the teacher who translated for him, “Adam, can you find the block that you missed? It’s on the chair.”

Really, this is why American kids are stupid. We’re spoon feeding them. (Literally…I had to help one of the kids eat her lunch by spoon feeding her…she had yogurt.) I see no reason to talk down to them simply because they are 2-year-olds. Although, perhaps bringing the collective work of David Sedaris for story-time was a bit of a stretch.

My friend, Tara Spinelli, and I also worked on a mock advertisement that we hoped to have published in a humor or satire magazine. It was for product we called “Bushwigs. Hair for down there.” Some sample copy?

If you’re like most women, you’ve spent endless hours styling, cutting, coloring, and obsessing about your hair. You’ve probably changed the drapes countless times, but what about the rug? Same as it ever was?

When summer comes, waxing and shaving can get the job done, but doesn’t your cooch deserve more? Shouldn’t your cha-cha have more cha-cha-cha? Your hoo-hoo more hoots? Your twat more wattage?

ANNOUNCING BUSHWIGS, in styles to suit every woman.

I pitched a TV reality show to my family. Charlie Sheen was recently fired from “Two and a Half Men.” I thought it would be great if we could create a reality show around him and his then goddesses living with and caring for my elderly parents. The show would be called, “Charles in Charge,” affectionately reminiscent of that 1980s sitcom with Scott Baio. It got shot down by my own family before I could ever make it to Charlie’s people. (Sorry Charlie.)

I read. A lot. And I thought, I should write a book. But I never took it seriously since I never knew where to begin.

Then my very good friend, Tara (again), sent me an email from Daily Candy with an offer for a discounted writing class through Gotham Writers Workshop, with a note that said, “You need to do this.” That was, as Oprah says, my light bulb moment. Yes. Of course I should take a writing class if I want to write but don’t know how to get started. Why didn’t I think of that? It was a ridiculously simple concept that never occurred to me. And so I did.

Right around the same time, I also started blogging, also thanks to a prompt from my very good friend Tara. (If I ever make any money at this writing thing, this blog will be all the evidence Tara needs to sue me for half of all my income.) Check out my good friends at http://www.jerseymomsblog.com and http://montclair.mommies247.com for some of my “mommy blogs.” And then I started writing that book.

So, this site is going to be about that journey. Maybe you want to be writer when you grow up, and you don’t know where to start. If you do, don’t ask me, I’m still trying to figure it out. But if there ever was a story about anything, it would be about writing a book, and so that’s what I’ll be doing. In between posting recipes and DIY projects.

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7 Comments

Filed under humor

7 responses to “I Should Write A Book

  1. Linda Lajterman

    Hi Christina. Good luck on your journey. I’ll buy your book if you buy mine. “Life after you-what your death from drugs leaves behind”. Your kids are young but save it for them when they become the crazy creatures called teenagers! It will be out in a week or so. Looking forward to reading your info

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  2. Already love your writing and humor by just reading this. I’m in a similar boat, and definitely wonder at my sanity during the many conversations with myself. Good luck

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  3. MB

    Let me just say that any piece of writing you put out will appeal to me and, I’m positive, many others. And you have inspired me to consider following in your footsteps — I’ve always wanted to write a book and don’t know how to start. I wish you all the good luck because you are an excellent writer who needs to be read.

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